GROW UP YAR!!!!
Do you ever think you’re the same person you were as a kid? Do you still carry the same traits and habits from childhood? Have you ever tried to change the way you were? If yes…..were you successful and do you regret doing it? Do you still feel there are times when your old traits kick back in, with you adopting them without realizing it? Well, today I would like to shed light on my personal experience of getting over two major traits I possessed since I was a toddler and the implications I faced during the whole process of changing myself.
While you may see me hanging out with friends almost every day, hardly staying at home on weekends, partying most of the time, inbox flooded with messages from people I hardly interact with, this was not the way I was. Although I am accustomed to hearing “yar tumhari bari social life hay”, the bitter truth is that this lad never wanted it. Ever since the day he began to talk, the infant Faaiz preferred staying relatively quiet, away from everyone, enjoying his little space where he could do whatever he wants. Other kids of his age were fairly keen to get onto the laps of their uncles and aunts but he resisted all efforts by adults who tried to pick him up. Although they protested against my behavior to my mother, she let me be the way I wanted, realizing that my personality was not like others of my age.
Growing up, I found it difficult forging friendships with my social shyness and habit of maintaining distance from others. On the other hand, once I get comfortable with someone, I tend to be the craziest friend expressing all I have in my heart to them. Nevertheless, despite being fairly renowned in my school, most of the students didn’t know how I looked like and where I used to be. I have personally had the joy of being a part of gossip groups who were condemning me, confidently calling myself egoistic and showoff while the other girls called me a bookworm, kid with an attitude problem, etc. It was only after a year they realized who I was and never spoke a word about the gossip sessions they had outside the ICT Lab on the second floor of the A-Level block. Surprisingly, I was selected as the Head Boy of my school, with a mixed reaction from the student body. While those who knew me, expressed their utmost happiness, there was a large section that was still trying to figure out who I was. Nevertheless, the most difficult task for me was to get to know some of the people I had to work with, starting with the Deputy Head Girl.
Every single friend I knew was well aware of her narrating me the subjects she took, her love for badminton, and even the fact that we used to be classmates at one stage (I am still clueless over it). When you ever need help in such circumstances, it is always best to count on your friends. “Wo zaroor ayay gi Carnival par, tum nay zaoor aana hay”, were the words openly exclaimed by our group of friends before concluding an hour-long discussion. So, even I went to the Carnival despite the fact I didn’t attend it for the last seven years. Once I found my friends, the event proved to be more of a scouting venue rather than me spending the money I had bought on the childish games in front of me (the kid inside me was dying to try the “shoot the cans” game) but the gang was determined to keep our ‘mission’ as the priority. After moving around for quite a while, one of them whispered, “Oye wo left side par yellow shirt walli hay Deputy”. If you know me properly, you should know I would do the most stupid act on the first attempt. Rather than showing some subtle spying skills, I franticly started moving my neck around shouting, “Yar mujhay to koi nahi Nazar aa Raha”. We wasted two hours trying to figure out how to get a proper look at Sara without making her realize we were following her. Eventually, their patience ran out as he joined me in throwing balls at the cans, only to win a cute teddy bear which felt like winning a lottery as I told everyone how heroically I won it. Looking back at that particular incident, I ask myself why didn’t we just approach her, congratulate her and offer a brief introduction. While it may seem an easy task sitting three years into the future, at that moment we were overthinking, imagining scenarios where she would label us “therki perverts” for just saying “hello” to her.
Fortunately, we did end up becoming good friends (pretty sure she’s thinking of a mean comeback while reading this) but there were many other hurdles I had to overcome before considering myself anyway near what you expect from a normal, confident teenager. First and foremost, my unexplainable habit of acting like a proper gentleman in front of people from the opposite gender. For that, I (can’t believe I am saying this) have to thank my buddy Umar Cheema, who humiliated me to such an extent with his constant mockery in front of the people I had to work with, that I came to the conclusion that I can’t preserve something that doesn’t exist (yes my self-respect). Finally, the last piece of the cog was resolving the texting issues I had with people. Being generally anti-social, I would hardly be bothered about texting people or sliding into other friend’s DM but I soon realized that to work along, even that norm had to change. So despite cursing myself, I put an effort in initiating conversations, some of them proving to be not too bad but yeah I was nervous over the fact that I only talk about myself, giving rise to some questions (courtesy my overthinking) that did the other person even ask? Am I looking like one of those cheap lads on whom people make memes? What would the other person gain by learning that I scored 43 runs in a recent match against LGS Gulberg?
So over a short span of three years, I managed to overcome one of my childhood trait, a trait which was considered unacceptable by society. Nevertheless, in the first semester of LUMS, it reappeared with one of my close friends on the receiving end of my “attitude” problem. But overall, I can proudly say I am now a different person from what I was earlier, finessing my way through life. But it’s also true that I get anxious while meeting people from the past, requiring time before I lower my stress level and return to the way I would normally act. Do I regret it? Well sometimes yes, especially when I get way too many messages together.
The other trait I inhibited since the very first year of school was my persistence on never shying away from possible fights mainly due to my habit of living on two extremes in terms of emotions. I am either super happy or super aggressive/sad. Throughout my school life, there wasn’t a moment of doubt in my mind that if someone provokes a fight, regardless of his age or physical strength, it was my noble duty to show him that he picked the wrong person to fight. Moreover, the unity displayed by our all-boys class was truly phenomenal, in most cases unaware of what initiated the fight, would still give a fair share of blows on the ‘enemies’ to support their classmates. The one particular fight that I fondly remember is worth sharing. Once I was arguing on cricket with a friend and a bully of the school stepped near me and gave me a kick on the chest. Instinctively, I grabbed his leg, twisted it, and pushed him onto the ground. The surge of adrenaline got the better of me as now I waged war with the student with the worst reputation and history of “Phadday”. But since it had begun, might as well make the most of it. He got up, his friends came to his aid and all of them charged towards me. With unfavorable odds, I was mentally ready to shed some blood but being on the losing end was inevitable. Out of nowhere five friends of mine appeared and took hold of them before they even got near me. Momin Khan grabbed the neck of the bully, while I blessed him with some punches on the abdomen. At that particular moment, I swear I felt like Thomas Shelby with the Peaky Blinders coming to my rescue. The “cakes” were schooling the “badmash” on their own game, with teachers intervening to save them. While being escorted to the office of Ms. Shazia, the only thing on my mind was “Where the hell is Fahar when you need him the most?” Anyways, despite being equally at fault, the bully faced the consequences as the school administration let me go after considering my behavioral record. This incident was one of the proudest moments of my O level life, relishing it with a sense of self-satisfaction. But I’ll give a pro tip. If your friend is 6’4” and one of the most muscular people on the campus, it is better to drag him out of the library before picking up a fight with one of the most terrifying bullies at school.
Over the next few years, I soon concluded that such an attitude is unhealthy for a good life. While the use of aggression at some stages may be pivotal (If your food doesn’t get served at Butt Karahi), it has some long-lasting consequences that you may not be aware of. Therefore, after any major inconvenience in life, I now get to hear a voice inside me telling me he/she isn’t worth your attention, let it go. To be very honest, life changed for the better with very little drama, limited arguments, and general acceptance of the point of view of the other person. My personality changed altogether, softness taking over, openly appreciating people for what they do rather than considering admiring someone as a sign of weakness. It did cost me the aggression I had on the cricket field, eventually reducing my passion for the game I consider nothing less than my love.
However, the journey to suppress a side of yours that you were proud of years earlier is a tough one. Despite the inner voice correcting me on major issues, that voice seems to vanish when faced with petty issues. If you have watched “Inside Out”, I can imagine the ‘Anger Department’ of my brain taking over, encouraging me to have a go at the person who just offended me. At that moment, you tend to forget all the positives, all the significant things someone did, only for you to stamp your authority. To make matters worse, such fights happen with those you are closer to rather than those you may be unbothered with after fighting. This particular point makes me laugh at the behavior of humans. We fight with those we love and then fear them leaving us. To make matters simpler, we will use an example
Just a friend: I think you should stop writing as your style is pretty mediocre, no sense of direction, the plot is the same every time and I couldn’t even keep my focus while reading it.
Close friend: I loved your story. It brought back all the good memories. You should try maybe a Rom-Com as I see potential in that. If you want anything for improvement, maybe check the grammar in some places?
While the first scenario seems more offensive, questioning your capability as a writer, his opinions may not bother me to quite an extent. Maybe I’ll work on it? But the comment by the close friend asking me to recheck the grammar, after showering praise, would lead to a surge of adrenaline, compelling me to give back a reply which not only may seem offensive but also distance the person away from you. Furthermore, you may even end up tweeting or posting a story to indicate your disapproval of what your friend earlier said. Poor lad, who may have never expected such a harsh reaction, offers a justification for what he said and even offers a mini apology for his opinion. But since the mind is submerged with negative thoughts and anger, you show an appalling attitude, ignoring what he had to say, intentionally showing your rage over what occurred earlier.
What follows later is worrying but positive in some sense. An hour after this incident, when your emotions are back to normal, you realize that you were stupid and acted like a barbarous idiot. This is worrying as you admit you acted irrationally and overreacted to something that wasn’t offensive. Positive as realizing your mistake is the first step to correct the mess you created. Some people spend ages while knowing inside their heart that they are on the wrong side but chose to justify themselves forever as the scope of admitting your own mistake is seen as a huge embarrassment and a sign of weakness, driving a wedge between the two, damaging the fragile bond of friendship. You spend the whole day in extreme guilt, cursing yourself, thinking of better responses in the future but more importantly, seeking a way to make up to your dejected friend. At a point, you decide to bring out the Joe Goldberg (YOU) hidden inside you, analyzing what your friend is up to, maybe left a sign for you? This stage proves to be a difficult one as if your friend is relatively expressive, you will tend to find him ranting somewhere and you can easily text and apologize, the first effort to bury the hatchet. However, if it’s not the case, your overthinking side begins to play a role, questioning if the other person is even bothered with your repulsive behavior if they believe you’ve crossed the line way too many times and it’s better to leave you on your own?
The next step in this situation is to approach a person whom you trust. Even if you’re sitting silently at the Khookha with hands on your head or sitting alone at home around 3 a.m. with your phone in your hand, you tend to find the right person to hear you out. You begin your “therapy session” by not only admitting you were wrong but also speaking out on what the root cause of the issue was. The chat would continue with you talking a bit about yourself, why such behavior is still a commonality, eventually opening up exactly what happened, and seeking a solution for your problem. So far, all I can say is that Allah has a mechanism, as you honestly plead guilty in front of a neutral friend, you somehow get a message (somewhat a conversation starter) from the person you offended. It may be fairly formal at the beginning with both sides hesitating to talk over the main issue until you admit it’s time to admit your mistake while asking for forgiveness. Once you both talk out your side of the story, you generally tend to return to the way it always was but the last obstacle is the formalness and general vibe of differences acting as a hurdle. That my friends are fairly easy to get over once you consider the fact that you two made it across, with so many fond memories to refer back to. The cycle of friendship resumes, returning to the stage where you crack jokes, talk about your days, and even open doors for constructive criticism which was previously the main thorn, pinching the precious friendship.
With that being said, all of you are people I trust (well you wouldn’t have been reading this if I didn’t trust you) and I can honestly admit I am not the perfect human being. While we all have our unique qualities and flaws, it is important that as friends you cannot only point out the faults of your friends (preferably in private) but also admit that you can be wrong. I was a person who previously believed it was a matter of personal pride to admit my fault, arguing with the other person until they would get tired rather than accepting the criticism. However, I have deiced to change this toxic trait too. Recently, I even tweeted something which one of my friends from school pointed out, represented the elitist mentality. After reading it again, I understood the perspective she was trying to highlight, and immediately decided to delete it rather than proving her wrong. Surprisingly she even praised my action, showing satisfaction over the fact I wasn’t showing rigidity. With that being said, if I ever fought with anyone on something very petty and immature of me, I just want you all to know I am sorry from the bottom of my heart, and the process of moving from an overly aggressive person to a kind and soft-hearted one has some implications that I am trying to get over. But on the bright side, I consider you all amongst the few I trust.
To many more years of friendship, fights, and a socially awkward Faaiz!
