Jinxed Visiting Islamabad

With a sense of failure, a frustrated figure stood outside the bedroom, trying to keep a straight face as the verdict was announced. The dilemma at hand was to present my case without revealing the real intentions behind the plan that kept being canceled due to unavoidable reasons. Once I gathered the courage and my fragmented thoughts that had been all over the place since dad expressed his opinions, I advocated against the decision with every logical thought my mind could think on the spot. My parents, who rarely get to see me argue against their wishes, were confused with the eagerness and determination I expressed my resentment towards what they considered “the wiser decision”.
“You are arguing with us, in favor of going to meet your relatives sooner? Aren’t you the same person who does not speak a word once anyone comes to our home?”
This was the trump card that I knew was just around the corner. Did I have an answer to this? No. Regardless of how I tried to convince them that it is because of my social shyness and generally introverted nature, an explanation for this query was almost next to impossible. Truth be said, even with the shyness and all, I do manage to speak where I feel the need to, and with them, I think the less I speak, the better. Not because I dislike them or have ego associated with my personality, but rather because I prefer staying within my comfort zone. We all knew the review petition for the decision was done and dusted. The verdict was not being changed. Was intrigued to wonder that could I have maybe presented my side in a better way which would have led me to not ending up with this situation, but then again, a part inside me knew that the reasons being cited by my parents were valid and it would be stupid to go against their wishes.
Dejected, my shoulders dropped, the positive energy was sucked out of me, and hopelessness engulfed my brain as I headed towards my bedroom. Jumping onto the mattress, I could not believe my luck. Forth consecutive weekend, the fourth time plan got canceled. But then again, who am I to complain? Out of the four, the two instances we had to skip were because of commitments associated with my own life. My family was not responsible for the plan not being executed as I was not available. Apart from this, another time, I suggested that it is not the best time to be going without citing any clear explanation or reasoning for this change in heart. Without raising any objection, my parents respected my decision every time, but when it was my turn to do the same, emotions overcame the lad who just wanted to go. He was tired of the wait. The excitement throughout the week changes into stress and anxiety by midweek, followed by agony by Friday night. That was the cycle. No variation! This week, I mentally told myself that I would not fall for the same trap this time, but clearly, I was once again lured by the beauty hope has to offer. That little spark in your life that everything would end up being better than what you anticipated and would be full of joy.
All this excitement and anticipation was not because I loved the city we planned on visiting, or because I dearly missed my relatives. I could not gather the courage to go and tell my parents that I desperately miss meeting my closest friends. I want to go, laugh, tell what I have been doing over the past month, and elaborate on the stories I have saved in my mind but do not want to convey over Whatsapp texts. How do I explain to them, that ever since parting ways at the end of the journey, there is this feeling that you would not get to see them often anymore, and even if you do, they would have outgrown this bond? It is not insecurity, but rather the bitter truth that stood right in front of my eyes. If I do not manage to meet them one last time this way, the next time I meet them might be three years later. Who knows what can happen during that period of time? But, deep down you know that you would be labeled as an over-thinker for expressing these views to those around you. I want to meet everyone, with the time specified for them only, realizing that this is the last time, and anytime after this, is merely a bonus. With this stream of thoughts crippling my peace, the lad resorted to the measure he always adopts when faced with dire circumstances. He decided to sleep.
A couple of days passed, and one evening, while sipping tea in the company of my mother, the most unexpected conversation took place. I was randomly telling her about my friends at university, and she smiled back, asking how much I miss them. The ideal response, that you jump to, is to claim not too much, but you still do. Clearly, my mom did not buy my act and with a gleaming smile, innocently replied,
“I know the reason why you have been insisting upon visiting that one particular city for over a month. I am your mother, I know you. It is not the love of your relatives, nor the appeal of the city. Among all the possible destinations, it is always that one place that you instantly reply to when asked where to visit. It is fine to admit you miss your friends. That is the sole reason you want to tour Islamabad. There is a reason why you have not been able to go there yet and Allah Kay Har Kaam Main Maslehat hoti hay. Have hope, who knows you may end up going there after all.”
Hearing these words from my mom was so comforting. Suddenly, the anxiety of failed plans vanished into thin air. Not only were your parents aware of your wishes without you communicating with them, but also the anger associated with missed opportunities significantly reduced as you previously trusted things to go your way, and they always do. Maybe, this was not the perfect time to meet? Who knows, I may not go after all? Only time would tell what happens, but I have not let go of hope, as it is a beautiful curse. While it keeps you motivated for better things to follow, it also brings you pain when you realize it never turned into reality.