Oh, the confused heart
dil-e-nadan tujhe hua kya hai, aaKHir is dard ki dawa kya hai
Whenever people get into an argument as to who is their favorite DJ or who has the music that makes you feel alive, I grin realizing that at the end of the day, I would always trust my heart for bringing out the best song, poetry or ghazal according to the moods I am going through. You would never recall Levitating by Dua Lipa when you are down or in the middle of a party, would not suddenly recall mujhse pahli si mohabbat meri mahbub na mang by Faiz Ahmed Faiz. Whatever the situation, the little organ inside your chest, pumps emotions throughout your body, with blood circulation being a secondary task.
At 3 a.m, when you randomly wake up, the brain is like a freshie entering the HSS building, trying to find A-14. A task that seems easy but the moment you take a turn once past the main entrance, every step accelerates the anxiety and confusion as you move past doors, without finding the destination you sought. At that moment, the aching of the heart becomes indescribable. Something is troubling and bothering the heart, but it just won’t tell. At that point, beyond your comedic poetry, your ears hear dil-e-nādāñ tujhe huā kyā hai, āḳhir is dard kī davā kyā hai. The timing of this could not be better. The way a passionate friend asks their gloomy friend what’s the reason for the frown, the whole body called upon Mirza Ghalib to address the unsettled heart, asking what is wrong?
The heart is foolish and resorts to child-like behavior. At the surface level, there was nothing that pinched the heart. The instant guesses were, did someone hurt you? Was the heart aching for the presence and warmth of someone? Were there feelings that could no longer be confined? But, that was not the case. If it had been so simple, why would the heart be confused to the point that it feels alien and choked? Love, hate, and nostalgia were not that confusing, and their presence was not unfamiliar.
To get over this unusual sensation, I reached out for my mobile, thinking that some time on it would be good enough to distract myself, getting over this ambiguous feeling. “New Photos added in folder” was the first notification my eyes came across, and instinctively, my index finger slid across the glass screen, to click on that specific label. The Babar Azam wallpaper suddenly changed, and in front of me were boxes with photos of individuals I knew. On any other day, the box with my name and photo would have been opened first, as I scrolled down around 5500+ photos of Faaiz. Self-obsessed? No, I like to look back at memories of past times. However, today, the aching heart murmured a small request to look at the boxes slightly lower down the order, pointing at my friends.
The photos which I found were weird, confusing, wholesome, memorable, pretty, and ugly. It did not help the cause as earlier the heart was confused with mixed emotions, and now the brain was pondering why did you even take these photos? So the two organs that dictated the soul, got distracted with their debates. A friend with a roadside cone on her head? Mickey-mouse filter selfie? But, we decided not to jump to conclusions, but rather start from the very beginning. The heart and brain formed a partnership, realizing that both of them would have to work together if they are to decipher this mystery. Opening a random page from a book would do you no good, and the same is the case when dealing with photos.
Photos, are a blessing as you can recall everything you have been through if they are properly documented. From the very first table tennis match to the farewell, everything squeezed in between the years in each other’s company. Capture every moment, every smile, every failure, goofy act, the highs, and lows, at the end of every fight when things are sorted. There is no limit to this (well, storage issues would surface, but we can deal with that). The luxury of having people who are comfortable with you taking their photos remains underrated as it depicts a trust that people do not ponder over. Similarly, having people ready to capture every moment, shows how they deem you to be of ample importance, and from all the people out there, find happiness in making you the center of attention. Pictures do not even need to be aesthetically pleasing or the most detailed ones, there’s beauty in every photo. You can always make a formal photo of you with your buddy, arm wrapped around his shoulder, but can you say the same about the reaction of a friend who dipped her wallet in the salsa sauce THE BUNKER gives with their sandwiches?
Going through the photos, the mystery of the heart also concluded. The hundreds of photos taking up the major proportion of my phone’s storage are a reminder of the time I spent at the university. And the heart was aching with the soft reminder, that the days of being at this place, the company of your friends, and the random plans you would have, are numbered. The heart, like any kid, was failing to recognize what it was feeling. Was it happy that you spent so much time with people who were a source of happiness, or the thought that this might be the last week when you get to see familiar faces, with everyone walking on their journey afterward? Truth be said, unlike most of us who tend to use binaries to define our emotions, the heart does not follow the rules laid out by us and can have a mixture of nostalgia, happiness, gratefulness, sorrow, optimism, and pessimism. While everyone wants a better future, living their dreams, and exploring new avenues, the uncertainty regarding the future casts a blanket of doubt and fear for the opportunities that are to follow.
It is weird, how maybe a week from now, you may be having a conversation of your life with a friend whom you value, but when you turn back and start walking, your mind starts pondering whether would you ever meet the same person again? If you even do meet, the energy and understanding you share at this point, still be intact? Why think about all that? Bothered about something that is beyond your power and control? The bitter truth is that most of us would outgrow some of the friendships we relish at this point, and may even lose contact with some. But, at the same time, the closure of one gate paves way for another to open. You would find even better people, friends who bring mental peace, and people who help you grow in life.
At the end of the day, ask yourself, what would you prefer? Time to stop altogether, at this moment, or time to go on, with you ready to embrace the life that is planned for you?
