The Rustiness of the Heart
The heart is chained with the endless battles one cannot talk about
Have you ever pondered over the many decisions we take in life? Isn’t it more convenient when we come across a random stranger at school or work and express our heart out, making ourselves vulnerable? How are we kind to the random people we bump into? Why is it that we are willing to forgive the acquaintances for mistakes like hitting you with a ball, crashing into you while walking, spilling the tea on your hand, or even cutting the line for a quick order at Jamin Java? Strangers, people we don’t even know are entitled to such privileges, but what about those whom you have befriended for years? It is near impossible to go up to someone you know for ages and tell them what keeps the mind engulfed in millions of scenarios throughout the weeks and what is it that prohibits you from peaceful sleep at night. You might be the kindest person on the planet, but it is a laborious task to be kind again to those souls who once hurt your heart with their vicious acts. With the people you love, the ones you believe are best for you, there is always something that you cannot tend to forgive despite all the happy moments you once may have shared. The bitter notes leave a sour image on the mind, continuously replaying those fragments of memory. In short, it is hardest to forgive people for the mistakes that are not brought up. Every mistake is treated as a silent tear, burdening your heart till the day those streams of tears wash up the image created in your consciousness to the point you fail to know the person in front of you. The name, the body, the actions, the tone and accent, all the same, but for you, nothing more than a stranger.
However, before this whole process of a stream turning into a river, there are numerous things not ever talked about. The whole world seems to stand still when it happens. The feeling isn’t alien to your body, but now it is so overpowering that nothing seems to change it. TOTAL SADNESS! The dizziness confuses you whether this is the reality or one of your nightmares where nothing seems to make sense. You were told this would happen one day, but you had laughed out loud when others suggested it. Inside you were aware that this was a possibility but failed to prepare yourself as the magnitude of grief far exceeded all of your diagnostic tests. The strongest muscle, located between your jaws fails to obey your command as you stand speechless despite the rigorous effort to let out a squeak. Do you want to cry? Is it right to cry over someone? But no tears to dampen your stone-cold skin. Your heartaches and wants you to escape, run away to somewhere else, but the brain fails to obey as your limbs stay static. The inner war is something you were unfamiliar with as the heart wants to weep over what happened while the livid brain wants to hurt them in a way they never fathomed before.
After the initial hurting, you remember there is a world you have to go back to too. Then, you create an imaginary mask, one that hides your emotional pain from those around you, eager to be removed by some emotional turnaround. However, the turnaround doesn’t come overnight. It is not the returning of someone from the past that breaks the shackles holding you back, but it is the happiness other people bring to your life that serves as rust, slowly, but surely, crippling the iron shackles keeping you bound. That is the day when the one you once loved, despised, and wanted back, turns into any other wanderer you come across in your daily life.
Contrary to common belief, while pain is one of the most feared sensations for the masses, in some cases it is celebrated and rejoiced. You don’t realize, but the shackles you tied to keep people together were the shackles that poisoned your mind. I think almost all of the readers can know what both physical and emotional pain brings to you. The discomfort from falling from a swing has an immediate effect with quick relief and a shout to display your pain. However, an emotional pain, unlike the former, stays with you for a long period with no one able to hear the silent screams that your heart voices.
When the time comes, nothing can be of aid, neither can you prepare for it in advance. However, I want to tell you that you would make it through! You have gone through even worse circumstances in the past, and you are stronger than what you think of yourself.
