The things you want to say but just cannot
Regardless of how hard to prepare yourself, there is no escaping the grief
As the car dragged itself across the gravel, the drizzle was the blessing one did not wish for but was glad it happened. The arm forced itself in the air to bid the last farewell, and the lips forced a gleaming smile despite the pain the heart faced. The eyes fixed on the backside of the car, perhaps the possibly last look before it all ended? Like a battering ram against the dilapidated wooden door, the tears finally won against the little resistance they faced. The first teardrop signaled the arrival of an impending overflow, prompting the lad to turn away and walk towards the other side. The last thing he wanted was to show the grief he faced, opting to let the departing people remember him for the smile he regularly showcased rather than the tears. One step, two steps, the long stride marked the end of a chapter. A chapter that you had not assumed would come to its conclusion so quickly.
Despite being prepared for goodbyes, the bitter truth is that no preparation, anticipation, or emotional stability is enough for the very end. The difference between today and any other goodbyes is the promise of tomorrow. You did say goodbye earlier during the pandemic, spending ample time without their company. However, then you had hope! And hope is a beautiful thing. The promise of a better future! Despite the time you spent away, tomorrow was a possibility. You knew that despite the passing of days, and the change in seasons, tomorrow, you could resume your life with them from the point you left off. The tea sessions, banter, sports complex visits, everything could resume on any good fortunate day with some effort. However, today, the promise of tomorrow was like the false hope given to a person already submerged in hopelessness. This day, was like a place engulfed in thick fog during the winter of Lahore. It was there all along. Right in front of your eyes. You could see it creeping towards you. Day by day. It came closer. You could almost reach out and grasp it by extending yourself, but the fog distracted you from the arrival of the end as you kept ignoring it.
Today, there was this emptiness in the heart that was beyond comprehension. Over the years, when you are in the company of people who radiate happiness and are in possession of qualities that you dream of having, you unintentionally start picking from them all the goodness. That later translates into an effort to improve yourself. With the passage of time, your personality begins reflecting the character of those who surround you, leaving a permanent mark. The mark is to be celebrated as it is a reflection of your time in the company of people who shaped your style. You grew with that mark. While you walked away from your friends, you took alongside the influence, qualities, and traits you adopted from them. Each person you are close to plays a role in your personality. Like an empty slate, with your friends being the bearer of markers, each one comes forward and writes a quality that remains on the slate. It is not until the friend loses their importance or stature in your life that the slate gets erased, with new people allowed to write with markers again.
Rumor has it that before death finally arrives, your whole life gets replayed with major highlights being shown in your brain. While such occasions cannot be equated to death, they mark the end of a journey that one could not come to terms with. Here, all the events with your friends, where life peaked with happiness, were played like a cinematic movie, with a proper beginning, plot twist, comeback, and highlights. You realize that it was not the grand gestures or extravagant things that brought real happiness, but the small and innocent gestures that felt real. We could be doing nothing but simply sitting together quietly, and that would be a source of happiness that cannot be explained through mere words. That comfort, peace, and homeliness would now be an alien experience beyond this point. Would it all be back to what it was, or would it turn out to be something different altogether now?
As bitter as it may sound, friendships do fade away with time. Despite the optimistic side, I may have, this is the one point where my negative side outweighs the positive one. Regardless of what unfolds later, one should relish the memories forged together, the highs and lows, and the personal growth one went through because of this closeness. Objects, music, clothes, and food would remind you of them, and you would smile, remembering what they used to be.
bichhar rahe ho to vaaada karo
ki aaoge
kabhī jo guzro idhar se to bhuul mat jaanā dost
